Like We Never Loved At All

Today is a brand new day, at a brand new job, and hopefully the start of a wonderful day. to all of those who read this, have fun and enjoy your day as well.

My life is going so well right now. I have an incredibily sweet guy, I have a new job that is giving me morning shifts so my afternoons and nights are my own. I am venturing into a new business, Mary Kay. No laughing. For those of you who are not aware, Mary Kay is the number one company in America for makeup and facial cleansers. It is also in the top 100 employers of America list. It is in the top 10 employers for Women in America list. And only 1% of women in america make over 100,000 a year. 70% of that 1% are Mary Kay Independant Beauty Consultants. Not to mention there are free cars involved. Life is so awesome right now. This is just another reason for me to be excited about my upcoming weeks. i finally have goals and a reason to be working and having fun.

What happens when my heart is torn between the girl i used to be and the girl i want to be? What happens when life seems to intervene and everything around me makes sense again. And then, just like that, he comes back in and it doesn't make sense anymore. I'm confused. I love the man I'm with. Love him like there is no tomorrow. I look forward to our future and our happiness. I can trust him, and hold him, and never worry that he might hurt me. The love he and I hold is pure, raw, and perfect. But this other person from my past was one of my first loves. The one who broke my heart so many times that it scared me to ever let another man look at me. Even though he holds a tiny piece of my heart, i know that i would be stupid to ever return to the world i left behind. But at the same time the what if questions won't stop pestering me. What would have happened had he and i stayed together. would we have made it. what if i give it another try. All these questions are tearing me up. But i know that it is over and that i love the man i'm with. but how does anybody stop the emotions and stop the occurence of the man before. I am so confused. I don't know....correction i do know what to do. I just don't know if i am brave enough to tell the boy to take his love and shove it because of all the shit he put me through. I have no right to even think about being with him again. Not when i am happy with someone now. not when i can feel the love between him and i. Not when everything around me is blissful and hopeful. I Love HIM!!! HE IS MY MAN WHO LOVES ME AND WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MAKE ME HAPPY!!!
LOOK OUT WORLD I AM IN LOVE!!

I don't understand why it is so hard for people to understand why I do what I do. I don't want to be touched when I am bitchy. I just don't. How hard is it to understand that. I just want to be left alone. But no, that is too bad for me. Everytime somebody goes to touch me i freak and want to yell, scream, punch, kick, and fight. But instead, I hold my temper and endure it. The one person who could help, the one person who could make me feel better isn't even around. He is in California for the military. Army to be exact. And he isn't around anymore for me to see, hold, and talk to. Maybe i am just being crazy, but it is true. I just can never see him and hardly able to talk to him. It will be easier when he gets to come home for a couple of days. Oh, and to make this all worse, i just started my period, my car broke down, my father is an asshole, i don't have anybody who understands, and i just want to SCREAM!!!

I have known you for forever, and have cared for since way back when, but somehow in the middle of life and love we were separated. You went down a dangerious path one that led me to believe that life as i had always known it to be was coming to an abrupt end. You went your way, I went mine and even though we tried to make our friendship last it just never quite worked out. You hung out with the navy boys while i stayed at home a read a book. You lost all that you onced held dear by the actions you have taken. You lost your friends and family and claimed to never regret it again. But in the end i went along and just kinda smiled at you. And in the end it turned out that even though i don't talk to you I am still here waiting for you to come back to the friendship you left behind. So until then. Goodbye